Honesty is the Best Policy.

It feels good to relate truths on this blog.
Perhaps they are guarded, still---
but less guarded than I find in my other writings.

What happened today?

Oh, I fell more terribly in love with Alan than ever ever before.
More than I ever thought possible.
I think it is true: that no one does love like we do.

I also got my first speeding ticket, oh wicked me.

I aided in the creation of an apple tart.

I found my sewing machine!

Oh, I can't stop thinking. About life. About love. About him.

Goodnight.

Tired of School

Ow. My neck hurts.

I have a math test in a few hours.

I have an appointment with my advisor in an hour.

I feel frustrated and weary.

I am concerned about money.

I am looking for something to fill me.

I have become a black hole.

Your Quote:

I talked to absolutely no one, couldn't keep to myself enough, and the things bottled inside have finally begun to create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up. I heard the reverberating footsteps syncing up to the beating of my heart, and I was positive that unless I got myself together, I would watch me fall apart...and I can't let that happen again!

I'm realizing my issues...

So, I realize I have an eating disorder.

I just can't eat like normal people do without having a huge complex about it...

Maybe I'll lose weight, though.

Your quote:

"Always for me, the spectacle of eating and the spectacle of vomiting: forever mingled in my thoughts."

Helen Keller

Today I was a Helen Keller.

I blasted music into my ears and took off my glasses.
Instantly, this crowded college became a sea of moving colors and lights---like being drugged while at the circus. Wonderful.

I think I shall try this more often.

Your quote:

These violent delights have violent ends

and in their triumph die, like fire and powder,

which as they kiss, consume.

Friday

The weekend is about to begin. Who would have thought I could make it through? I wouldn't have believed it. I'm so weary, so worn-down, so ready to be done.

Your quote:

But I have miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.
-Robert Frost

Humble Living

Living on one's own, there comes a time when one starts worrying about running out of money and realizes just how expensive the cost of living is.

There are things one will eat that one would never have eaten, much less, thought of as pure culinary wizardry...mmm?

Today's meal:

Brown Rice, Lentils, Tuna, Pickle Relish...........

It's actually not bad at all.

Bad Day

I've just finished making up answers on my Science test.
It was bad.
I mean, very bad.

Climbing up the stairs from the First Floor to the Second, I am always reminded of First-Grade, and the smells of the cafeteria in the noses of hungry children. I suppose it's because the stairs are near the kitchen, but the smell is this:
A hot pan, buttered, sits on the stove, while a woman opens a cold can of corn, and dumps it into the pot, stirring and peppering, and humming to boot.
That is what the stairway smells like.

How do I feel inside?

Nervous. Anxious. Worried.

About the test, I imagine.

Suddenly, I realize I am very hungry.

It's time to begin something.

I just don't know what.

I'm very happy right now.

Very excited.

I just don't know what about.

Quote:

"Cat follow devil, I'm done with ye!"

-Huckleberry Finn

Alan

The last time I saw you, we were whispering and laughing together to forestall a terrible gathering urgency, like the wind rising outside, lashing the window with rain on the very verge of sleet.

I told you I would be lonely when you'd gone, and you laughed, and said, "I don't think so."

I asked you what you mean, since no one ever comes here, and you said, "That's what I mean."

What did you mean? Did you mean it shouldn't trouble me, to live alone, that I should be functioning and thinking and working to occupy this lifetime, instead of dreaming of what may be, what might be, what will be?

I end these musings with a quote:

Isn't it always amazing! The fact of time, time passing, time passed and never to be retrieved...but you do get used to it.

Do you?

Don't you?

Don't you...what?

Get used to it.

Used to...?

Time passing.

Oh, no! Oh, yes, I suppose.

Sadness Sets In Once More

Oh.

I wish he was with me now.

Thursday

...My coffee cup is uncooperative--spilling milk all over my clothes. It's too late to go home and change. I'll just have to cope. I slept well last night. No dreams. Ten hours. Oh, and good morning to you, fair reader. If you exist. I have classes with Misses Spink and Forcible again. The weekend will come tomorrow, and leave too quickly...

Your quote:

"But a proper sea goddess must fill up her bodice to present an alluring display!"

Tuesday morning, 9:00am--so this saga continues--

I realize that each day is a glorious opportunity for wonderful things to happen. It's also a temptation for fate--and terrible things are often conceived in this day-to-day routine--things like Mathematics projects and English papers.

This particular Tuesday morning finds me sipping a cappuccino. Do you know--I realized I'm paying four dollars for a cup of air, with a bit of espresso at the bottom. They agitate the milk so thoroughly that it becomes more gaseous than liquidacious.

The fog is clouding the streets of Syracuse--making everything look quite English.

The professors for my next upcoming classes would be the perfect grandmothers. However, one doesn't choose to study from their grandmothers...I shall hereby refer to them as Misses Forcible (English) and Spink (Politics).

I end with a quote:

Hush, and shush, for the beldam might be listening.

First Post

I write this first blog post with memories of the night's excitement--hints of cigarettes, oysters, and the taste of his own warm mouth--lingering upon my tongue.

He brought me home, and loitered in my chamber, as I dressed for bed and tried to tame my unruly curls. He sighed, and bent to pick up his coat. Looking at him with wistful eyes, I sighed too, and whispered, "Must you leave me?"

"Yes, it is time. Know that I would stay if I could."

"One day," I told him, "You will stay." He smiled warmly at this, looking deep into my eyes.

"I know."

I am at home, and lonely now. The landlord's orders are clear--no pets. I am looking at a stack of books with a guilty twinge--I have schoolwork to complete. I am a student, you see. It's not a hard life, but it is a poor life--and I am frequently alone. Someday, this too shall end.

I finish with a quote, Joyce Carol Oates' words:

How happy HOW HAPPY I AM. You didn't think, did you, that I COULD BE SO HAPPY.